literature

The Dawn of New Beginnings: Chapter One

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Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece or any of the characters. I do own the characters that exist in this fanfiction though. 

The sun was rising over the beautiful island of Rasta Rock, where everyone was waking up to the crack of dawn. Well, almost everyone.

In a quaint little wooden cabin, there was a sleepy soul still resting in her hammock as she dosed away in dreamland. That is until a knock on her door woke her up from her slumber crying” Wake up, sleepy head, breakfast is almost ready”.

“Ok, I heard you, Wata!” cried the dazed dreadlock haired woman who was stumbling for her glasses on her nightstand. She then picked them up, and then gently put them on her face. She always did hate getting up in the mornings, especially with how loud her sister could be.

“You better, Madge or I’ll just dump your share in the garbage, which by the way we are having johnnycakes,” she threatened from behind the door.

By the time she said that, Madge was just taking off her pajamas and getting into the clothes she picked out from the night before. Even if she wasn't a morning person, she surely didn’t want to miss breakfast which she considered the most important meal of the day. Much to her relief, she got finished in the nick of time and almost ran out the door while stopping back to remember one important item; her bandana which she tied securely around her head.

Madge then walked to the dining table, where her sister, Wata, and brother in law, Josias, a Bonito Fishman, were seated with her niece, Ackee, who was sitting in a high chair between the two.  Wata and Josias were taking turns feeding their daughter, who had a plate of mushed up breakfast food, all the while making cutesy gestures at each other.

“Oh Josias, you are just the best daddy in the world,” she cooed at him.

“Well, you certainly are a cutie mama” he gushingly responded back.

Madge bleached as she took her seat and coughed, “As much as I hate to interrupt this love fest, I really want to keep my appetite”.

Both Wata and Josias stopped their lovey dovey talk, and giggled at her uncomfortableness.

“Oh sister, one day you will be understand when you are in love” she said while tickling her daughter’s little fin which caused her to laugh in glee.

She just sighed and changed the topic to a more urgent issue “It’s been a while since the disappearance of the Strawhats, which means that Nico Robin’s activities are nowhere to be found as well”.

That comment got both of them to pause, and think about the current topic being brought up. They knew that Madge was totally hooked on everything that had to do with Nico Robin, and was disheartened when there appeared to be no new news of where she was. As dedicated archaeologists, they had interest in the infamous “Devil Child” who could read the poneglyphs. For they had dedicated their mission to discovering the ruins along Rasta Rock, where a wall with the same language written on the poneglyphs was buried but knew of the heavy consequences that came with having an interest in deciphering them.

“You were really dedicated to the off chance that the Strawhats could have come to this island, and you could have run into Robin, so she could teach how to read the poneglyphs” Josias commented as he munched on a Johnny cake.

She pouted her lip saying,” Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?”, as she continued to stuff her mouth with johnny cakes, all the while washing it down with coconut milk, her favorite drink. She knew it was almost a piped dream, but it was something that she had her heart set on and wanted it to come true by any means possible.

“Well, the Strawhats were last seen with the other Supernova crews in the Sabaody Archipelago” Wata pointed out to her sister.

“I certainly do remember, especially with the fact that Strawhat punched one of those Celestial Dragons without hesitation,” Josias said with a grin on his face. “It did warm this Fishman’s heart to see someone stand up to those false gods”.

“Oh Josias, just imagine if Strawhat punched Pasty Face and her bratty son, that would be a treat” Wata grinned as she tickled his chin.

“Oh honey, that certainly would make my day and I would celebrate it all day in bed with you” Josias teased as he rubbed his free arm on his wife’s leg.

They then went back to cooing at each other, which caused Madge to feel nauseous again. And she drifted back to her own thoughts on the issue of Nico Robin, and wondering where she could possibly be. Since the Strawhats were not currently active, it would mean that the only way to find her was through another Supernova pirate crew. Since the Supernovas seem to have the biggest chances of running into each other, that would also help someone who wanted to find Nico Robin. Whatever it took to find Nico Robin, it would be worth it.

Meanwhile, on the docks of Rasta Rock an ominous looking ship boarded the port town of Rum Town. There the red headed captain, and his equally intimidating crew made their first step towards the tropical island. The captain looked around, and saw the surroundings of the port.

“This place looks like a great place to cause some mayhem, as we make a name in the new world” he said as looked at his mask wearing right-hand man who nodded at him.

With those words, the beginnings of a fateful encounter would soon come to past. 







First page of my fanfiction featuring my OC, Madge, who I have been working on since last year. This story details how she ends up on Kid's crew, and begins her journey to find Nico Robin. Although I am pairing her with Kid, she doesn't instantly fall in love with him. It first starts out as a captain and crewmate relationship, but eventually evolves into a romantic one as time goes on. 

Also the island of Rasta Rock is based on Jamaica. 
© 2016 - 2024 JazzQueen92
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MajorasMasks's avatar
Sorry if it took me longer than expected, but I wanted to write a detailed comment and not a hurried one since you expressively asked for my feedback on this.
I'll be honest: I don't usually like fanfics focused on original characters. That said, your OCs are quite well-thought and you found a believable way to connect them to canon characters like Nico Robin and Kidd. Furthermore, Josias and Wata acting all lovey-dovey before Wata's sister was funny to read!  XD

That said, the writing is a bit rough here and there. Below, I'm going to list the typos and errors I noticed.


There is a missing "a" before "knock" and a missing comma after "crying" in "That is until knock on her door woke her up from her slumber crying".

I think it's better to use "girl", "woman" or similar instead of "female", but this is just a personal preference.

I would reword "Oh, Josias you are just the best daddy in the world" into "Oh Josias, you are just the best daddy in the world," (the comma at the end is necessary in dialogue lines like this, and it's missing even in "Well, you certainly are a cutie mama"; you should also add a comma to lines that introduce a dialogue, like "Madge bleched as she took her seat, and coughed"--it should be "bleached" by the way).
In general, I suggest you to read some punctuation guides, especially for dialogues, to avoid common errors like putting a period outside instead of inside of quotation marks (you did that after the line "As much as I hate to interrupt this love fest, I really want to keep my appetite", for example). There are other lines which punctuation needs to be fixed, but I don't think I need to list them all.

That said, the phrases "one day you will be understand when you are in love" sounds a bit awkward; I think you could reword it into "one day, once you'll be in love, you'll will understand" or into a simpler "once you'll be in love, you will understand".

Further down in the story, there are a couple of periods that read a bit messy:
She pouted her lip, and said” Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?”. As she continued to stuff her mouth with johnny cakes, while washing it down with coconut milk, her favorite drink.
You may consider rewording them into She pouted her lip, saying, ”Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?” as she continued to stuff her mouth with johnny cakes, all while washing it down with coconut milk, her favorite drink.
Or, if you prefer shorter periods and less commas: She pouted her lip, saying, ”Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?” She continued to stuff her mouth with johnny cakes while washing it down with coconut milk, her favorite drink.

Finally, the "and" in "And she drifted back to her own thoughts on the issue of Nico Robin" is superfluous, you should reword "And the Supernovas seem to have the biggest chances of running into each other, which would also help someone who wanted to find Nico Robin" into "Since the Supernovas seemed to have the biggest chances of running into each other, that would also help someone who wanted to find Nico Robin" (even because you used the past tense in the rest of the narrative parts of the story), and "he said as looked at his mask wearing right hand man" should be "he said as he looked at his mask-wearing right-hand man".


I hope this helps!  ^^